I wish I had a dollar for every person in the country who today says, “That’s it. Tonight’s my last night to eat. Tomorrow I start the diet.” I’d have enough money to open my personal health spa, complete with a fitness goon squad that would administer a beat down if I so much as thought about Breyers Ice Cream.
Among the Top 5 New Year resolutions are “lose weight”. Losing it isn’t so much the problem. The problem is that we always seem to find it again. It’s like Hansel and Gretel in reverse. With determination and great resolve, we walk away from the empty calories until about three weeks down the road of supplements, protein bars and health foods that taste like the plywood aisle at Home Depot, we turn around and follow the trail of cake and cookie crumbs back to the Boston Creme Pie.
I’m thinking not many people schedule their annual physical between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Do a work up right now and most of our blood types would be chocolate covered cherry. I avoided the chocolate covered cherries this year. Didn’t eat a single one. But alas, chocolate covers a multitude of food. So I’m among those resolving to eat healthier in the New Year.
The other day I weaved through the aisles at Barnes & Noble. An astonishing volume of titles on every imaginable subject. The health and diet section was no exception. Without pulling any of them off the shelf to peek between the covers, I simply made notes of the book titles. It appears there are many different methods to lose weight.
There were the obvious. “Eat To Live”. “How To Live Longer”. And the same point made in a more direct way, “How Not To Die”. Of those three, I think I’d start with the latter first. If I know how not to die, I’ll have time to learn how to eat to live.
There were what appeared to be technical diets. The “Thyroid Diet”. How does one know if their thyroid is overweight? And the “Acid/Alkaline Balance Diet”. Just how do I check that balance? It sounds like an invasive chemistry experiment. I didn’t do well in chemistry and just the word “invasive” makes me want to look for comfort food. “Eat 4 Your Blood Type” sounds clinical and implies white lab coats and needles. Not happening.
Some of the titles could be classified “Duh!” diets. “The Living Heart Diet”. As opposed to what? When my heart stops, I won’t be reaching for the Doritos anymore. And the “Eat Where You Live” diet. Isn’t this a given? To not eat where I live means perpetual travel. Ah, maybe that’s the trick. I’ve never seen a fat nomad.
Next to it on the shelf was one called “Power Eating”. Isn’t that what got me here in the first place? Then there was the “Take Control Diet”. Hello! If I could do that I wouldn’t need to diet.
There were some “no way, no how” diets. Like the “No Flour, No Sugar Diet”. Let me understand…you’re taking away my White Chocolate Apricot Bread and Double Stuf Oreos? No more Krispy Kreme or seafood linguine? A month on that diet and I’d be writing “The Angry Man’s Diet Cure”…Chapter 1 – “Glocks and Donuts”.
Some of the books would fall into a “niche diet” category. “Secrets of Skinny Chicks” and “How To Eat Like A Hot Chick”. I’m not a chick so these don’t help me. And the “The Dorm Room Diet”. Who knew you could shed pounds with beer and Ramen Noodles?
Then there are the “too good to be true” and “I wish” diets. “Shrink Yourself.” “The Beauty Diet”. I could use those for sure. The “Flat Belly Diet” and “Think Yourself Thin”. I’ve actually been on that diet most of my adult life. But I usually do my thinking with coffee and caramel rolls so it hasn’t worked.
There’s the “I haven’t a clue” diets. The “TNT Diet”. Explosives? That could be fun. And the “Inflammation Free Diet”. Trust me. Any diet that makes my insides feel like fire and I’m dousing it with a gallon of sweet tea.
And the curious “Flexitarian Diet”. I know vegetarians. I know Rotarians. I know Rotarians who are vegetarians. I have no clue what a Flexitarian is, let alone their way of eating. Back-bends while sucking down protein shakes through a bendy straw?
Then there’s the “sounds like fun” diets. The “Eating In The Raw” diet. I tried that one once. I’m not allowed back in that cafe.
Two books seemed meant for me. “Dieting For Dummies” and the “Idiot’s Guide To Dieting”. But on second look, they were both really thick books. Lots of pages. I’m dumb, but I’m not that dumb. That many chapters pointing out what an idiot I am and it’ll send me straight back to Mountain Dew and Zingers.
And finally the book “How To Make Most Any Diet Work”. I didn’t open it but I can tell you they didn’t need that many pages to explain the secret.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Burn more calories than you consume.
Repeat every day.
If those those last four sentences ring true and inspire your quest for better health, feel free to skip the trip to Barnes & Noble and send me the $19.95 instead.
Unless you’re still curious about that “Flexitarian Diet”. I understand.
I’m still wondering about that one myself.
Happy New Year.
Todd A. Thompson – December 31, 2008
